In December 2016 I began the journey of starting a new actor training company. We decided on a name, I built a website and landed on a logo and began marketing the courses we’d designed. In January 2017 I found out I was pregnant - we hadn’t even ran our first course yet. I figured there’s never really a “perfect” time to fall pregnant or have a baby so I cracked on. Sadly, the pregnancy was really bloody difficult and nothing like I’d seen in films - I had horrific nausea, the hormones rushing around my body meant I could hardly walk most days and I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes which knocked me for six. The running and growth of the company was on my shoulders so I did what I could but I was physically limited in the amount I could teach which naturally had a knock on effect to making the mark we’d hoped for. Luckily my husband Iain had a full time job as a kitchen manager and chef so there wasn’t a huge amount of pressure on me to bring in too much money plus I had a few other jobs on the side.
I ran my last course in August and a couple of weeks later my waters broke whilst I was writing a blog for casting director Nicci Topping. Instead of telling Iain and zooming to the hospital I shoved a towel between my legs in the hope that I could finish it in time. I ate my last childless meal and headed into the hospital. No contractions yet so I sent Iain and best pal Evie home to sleep and, donning my sexy hospital gown and compression socks, I continued with the blog and a spot of admin.
Fox was born 2nd September via emergency C Section and we were all home 5 or 6 days later after some complications.
Iain had decided to leave his job and get something closer to home which meant we had a good chunk of time just the three of us. It was a rather productive work time for me - I couldn’t teach yet but I redesigned the entire website and booking system when Fox was sleeping or attached to a boob and continued the day to day running of the company and future courses. Iain and I had a plan: that when we eventually moved to Wales (it wasn’t looking iminent) we would co-parent so I didn’t have to give up my work. However, things changed when Iain’s new job just wasn’t what it had cracked up to be so, together, we decided to move out of rented accommodation in South Yorkshire into my mum’s house in Derbyshire (which was sat empty waiting to sell since she died), Iain would be Fox’s main carer and I would throw myself into Both Feet.
I have to admit, this is quite new to me. I’ve worked in the industry for bugger all, struggling to pay my bills for many years so for me to be the breadwinner is completely alien. But the fact is, I couldn’t give up my work, I love it too much and Iain had reached a point where he was ready for change. This meant slashing our incomings by more than half but when it’s happiness vs money, there was no question for us, so long as we had enough coming in to pay the bills and keep us bobbing along, we’d be ok.
So for the last few months Bump and I have been traveling a lot: to and from Wigan to teach at ALRA twice a week and then running back to back courses in Manchester which has meant staying away from home for 6-12 days at a time and returning for a day or two before leaving again. I Facetime Fox and Iain every morning and whenever I can. Fox actually thinks I live inside the phone. If I’m away teaching I still have to run the company so in the evenings I make myself dinner (I have Gestational Diabetes again so I have to do serious food planning, no takeaways or grab n go meals!) and then I tend to work until 10-11pm doing the more urgent admin. I try and do enough admin at night so when I have some days at home I don’t have to be locked away in a room missing even more. But it often doesn’t work out that way because we live in a world now where people expect you to respond immediately and if you don’t you lose them.
Iain and I, however, try to implement strict boundaries when I’m home: we all eat together, no phones at the table. I block in the diary days off so I can have guilt free time with Foxlet and Iain (usually spent unboxing/decorating the house!!). I leave my phone downstairs at night. I don’t do any work after our evening meal (usually around 7.30pm) because otherwise I can’t sleep (though sometimes I stupidly break this rule and then pay the consequences). I never have the sound or vibrate on my phone so when I’m with Fox I actually get to be with him. I can’t train actors to be in the moment if I’m not willing to do it myself, can I?
I’m away teaching in Manchester (and London) every other week until the week before I’m due to be induced. Don’t think it’s just about money - it really, really isn’t. I love what I do. Immensely. I must do. I’m working with some stunning actors who are either only just starting their journey with me or have been with me for a while and I don’t want to leave them or lose them. Which means I’m building in as many courses as humanly possible so we can squeeze in as much as we can together before I head off to have this baby I’ve been busy growing.
Every day Fox learns a new word. Every day Fox get’s more steady on his feet. Every day Fox learns a new trick or a new expression or a new animal noise. Everyday he becomes more sure of his place in the world. And every day I ask Iain when did he start doing that?
Yep, I can honestly say I feel like a part time mum.
Even though it’s hard, I am deliriously lucky to have Iain support me every step of the way, without him none of this would be possible. He never makes me feel guilty, even though I’m constantly abandoning him. And all he asks for in return is the odd day when I’m home to go and play a bit of golf. Even on the days I’ve promised no work and end up working he doesn’t give me a hard time. His patience and generosity as a husband and a father is something I never knew existed.
At the beginning of July it will all change as another baby Morgan makes an appearance. I can’t comprehend how that will work yet, but no doubt we will find a way, ay? Coz that’s what we do.
I wonder how other mums in the arts manage this juggling act.
I hope I can find (and keeping refining) the balance so Fox and new baby Morgs don’t grow up always feeling second best. I hope that they will grow up understanding that I love them so deeply and in order for me to be the best mum I can be I need to do the work that makes me happy too.